Snuggies on a Plane

Yes, this is my third air travel post of the month. So what? The ideas choose me, and when I fly I think of planes.

Ever used the blanket that airlines provide? The disposable ones stuck in shrink-wrap. They’re uselessly small. Forget adults, I’ve seen fourth graders struggle to cover themselves. And if a passenger does somehow contort his body to fit beneath its warmth, he’s stuck that way. Can’t read a book or listen to music. The slightest movement would muck it up, and there’s no finding that position twice. As usual, I’ve got the solution.

Replace vacuum-sealed blankettes with Snuggies. Not actual Snuggies. Steal the pattern and making Snuggie knock-offs out of the same cheap fabric airlines use now. No one can own the idea to put sleeves on a blanket. Right?

Passengers are the obvious winners. Flying coach is among the most uncomfortable things a person can do. Any step toward coziness is a welcome one, and a blanket designed for sitting upright as opposed to the fetal position is a clear upgrade.

Airlines don't really care about passenger comfort, though. They care about filling the seats. That's why the real benefit to the airline lies in all the free press. You can bet Big Snuggie is going to be out for blood. I’d expect a court case and, with it, the media circus this type of benign controversy always creates. Through it all, whichever airline summoned the courage to put sleeves on its blankets will become The Snuggie Airline. In a parity industry where consumers define airlines by fees and tarmac horror stories, having a reputation for Snuggies will be a nice boost. Customers have certainly made choices based on far less.

So put sleeves on your blankets, airlines. If you won’t do it for your passengers, do it for the money.

Until next week,
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Jonathan Rozen

Leave On All Electronic Devices

If you’ve flown, you know the rule. All electronic devices must be turned off for take-off and landing. Supposedly, all laptops, iPods and Game Boys must be properly stowed to keep you safe. I’m not buying it.

Every flight, I’m ordered to remove my headphones, but I sneak them back on. Not one of my flights has crashed. If there’s one example of an electronic device interfering with a plane’s navigation, the airlines haven’t told us about it.

Laptops, I understand. They require the oh so dangerous tray table, which must be in the upright and locked position. But mp3 players? A book is more dangerous. Paper cuts hurt.

Do they need my full attention while they demo the proper use of a seat belt? Such a complicated contraption would be impossible to master without thorough instruction.

Maybe it’s terrorism. But if flights are at risk of being wirelessly controlled by a terrorist passenger’s electronic device, wouldn’t they be banned for the entire flight? They're not because there's no threat.

This ban is a farce. Completely purposeless. Airlines, quit your ridiculous policy of having flight attendants order me to remove my headphones before take-off and landing.

Until next week,
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Jonathan Rozen

DVR-guments

There is a rage brewing in my apartment, and it’s Comcast’s fault. There is only one DVR, but three roommates. It is easier to share a bathroom than a DVR. Recordings get deleted more often than we take out the garbage. The result? DVR-guments.

Comcast’s solution is a DVR for every room and more money, but sharing a single DVR isn’t the problem. It’s the software.

There is one master list for all recordings. One list for multiple users. Short of calling my roommates at work to ask if they’ve watched the March 11th Daily Show, I’m left to delete recordings blindly or leave them to pile up until we’re forced to convene a DVR death panel. Neither is appealing.

There’s a simple fix. Change the software to allow multiple users. Let the first menu after “my DVR” be the usernames. If we each have our own list of recordings, we can freely delete what we’ve already seen, while the software keeps shows on hard drive until they’ve been deleted from every user’s list.

Maybe TiVo already does this. I’ve never used one. But I can tell you that my Comcast DVR does not. It is unforgivable. This is not groundbreaking programming. Adding one additional menu is as simple as copy and paste.

Comcast, do your part to end domestic DVR-guments. Otherwise we’ll be forced to stop blaming each other, and start blaming you.

Until next week,
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Jonathan Rozen

Renaming the Charlotte Bobcats

 

It’s official.  Michael Jordan is buying the Charlotte Bobcats, and rumor has it, he’s renaming them, too.

It makes sense.  The soon-to-be former owner Bob Johnson tackily named the team after himself.  Bob’s mistake wasn’t using his own name.  It was having such a dull one.  Michael may be equally common, but the nicknames are all-time greats.  Before he picks a new name, M.J. should check this blog for a couple suggestions.

I’ll limit myself to two.  The first: Air Charlotte. It’s brings a euro fútbol flavor to the NBA, like Real Madrid or FC Barcelona.  And not only is it based on his Airness, it fits into North Carolina’s flight-boasting history.  After all, upon the Bobcats inception, the runner-up name was the Flight.

Not digging the soccer style?  The second suggestion is more about American capitalism, and it’s sure to please Nike.  The Charlotte Jumpmen.  The logo's already done.

So whether it’s Air Charlotte or the Jumpmen, no one should think of Charlotte again with thinking of Jordan, so pass this along to Michael.  I’m hoping for season tickets in return.

Until next week,

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Jonathan Rozen

Replace Plane Seats with Pods

I’ve got some air travel coming up this week, and it’s revived an old idea that resurfaces every time I fly.

It’s about the seats. There has to be a better way to arrange passengers. Rows are a terrible use of space. All that headroom is wasted while you’re jammed in knees to back.

Packed that tight, it’s impossible to get comfortable. I have a cousin who brings his knees to his chest and sleeps in a ball, but I am too tall for that. 5’10” seems a little short to be too tall for planes.

The truth is, all I want to do is lie down, but the closest I can get is to recline into the lap of the person behind me. A bit rude, but I’ll probably do it anyway.

Here’s the idea. Get rid of the seats. All of them. Replace them with Japanese nap pods.

Have you heard of these? These coffin-style rent-a-beds popped up in the 80s in Japan for businessmen to grab a few winks mid-day. Lately, they’ve turned into apartments for the unemployed, but that’s another topic for another day.

Replace rows with bunks of pods, so we can all lie down and go to sleep. I’ll gladly trade a covert battle with a stranger over the armrest for being able to toss and turn mid-nap.

And it solves a few other of flying’s drawbacks. No more kids bicycle kicking your seat. No more old men only mostly coughing into their handkerchiefs. No more pee-dancers waking you to escape the row. With pods, everyone gets an aisle and a window.

Flight attendants will be relieved to deal with much more docile passengers. Most will nap, while the friskier take advantage of the privacy. Suffice to say, the mile-high club will see a boon in membership.

So get on it, airline industry. When it comes to planes, I want my personal space horizontal. I may be flying coach this week, but I want to fly back pod.

Until next week,
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Jonathan Rozen