Male Athletes in High Heels

This week’s free idea is for men’s sports coaches at high schools.

Coaches often doll out unique punishments off the field to improve play on the field. The running back who fumbles a lot has to carry a football around wherever he goes. The point guard struggling with his handle has to dribble a ball from class to class.

Tame, but effective punishments. I’ve got a new one.

There is one rule present in every sport outside the pool. Stay on your toes. Whether it’s baseball, basketball, football, soccer, tennis or even wrestling, athletes need to be ready to move in any direction at any moment. Get caught on your heels and you lose.

Athletes are caught flat-footed anyway. Fatigue is a factor, but coaches know staying on your toes is just a stance. If practice isn’t enough time to break the heel-sitting habit, how can a coach keep an athlete thinking about staying on his toes on his own time?

Make flat-footed athletes wear high heels.

A day or two in four-inch stilettos will teach athletes the balance of staying on their toes, and the embarrassment will ensure they learn the lesson. For repeat offenders, coaches can instruct teammates to push Mr. Heels over when they see him.

You may ask, “Where do you buy men’s size fourteen high heel shoes?” The same place all transvestites buy their shoes. The internet.

If you force your athletes to wear high heels, they’ll never get caught flat-footed again. Or they’ll quit. Give it a try, Coach.

Until next week,
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Jonathan Rozen